A little too soon

Today was not a good day.

600 students standing around a bunch of candles and a picture of a girl who left just a little too early. 

A junior of mine from college, passed away on Saturday.

But it wasn't until today that it actually hit us.

18 is not an age to go. In fact, its very far away from an age to go. But then again, if there's anything I've learnt in the recent past, its that, anything, good or bad is all a part of the big picture. Now that picture maybe a beautiful Degas, or a scary Edvard Munch or a freaking chaotic Jackson Pollock, but its still our picture to make, and all the little bits of paint over the years add up at the end of it all.

Now her picture is probably done and all ready to be placed on a hook at the Met, but knowing her and the way she affected our lives, is a little bit of paint on our big pictures. And its fuchsia.

A color we'll definitely miss.

PS: She was a wonderful poet. Please drop by her blog and leave her a message. I'm sure it would mean a lot to her.

Of the future, life and of hope...

Walking down the road the other day, I found myself in the middle of what seemed like a gaggle of freshmen from a nearby college. They were walking together in groups, and as I crossed the road, I landed right between two of these groups. The pair of girls in front of me were chattering loudly and me, being myself, walked a little faster to catch up to them to listen to what they were saying. Yes, I eavesdrop. Its a vice or rather an activity of mine, that I tend to indulge in, on a regular basis. It ends up giving me a lot to laugh about but also having to deal with people who catch me laughing to myself in public. That can be quite embarrassing, although completely worth it.

Anyway, as I caught up to the girls, I heard them talking about marriage and astrologers and the like. One was the girls had supposedly gone to see her family astrologer the previous day, who had told her that she might get married the following year or something in that context (I couldn't hear too well). The other girl replied saying that her astrologer had told her that she might get married the year she turns 23. Both the girls were mighty excited at the prospect of their future weddings and were giggling the same way I remember doing when I was their age.

I remember sitting around friends at slumber parties, imagining all our weddings. The time, the place, the clothes, the shoes, the men...we talked about it all, delighting ourselves with each little detail, our giggles laced with hopes for the future and for the rest of our lives.

Now, when I think of the future, I don't see weddings, or husbands, or babies. I see myself, sitting down at the end of a hard day's work, looking out a window at the pouring rain, thanking God that I had made it home before it started. I also see myself happy, albeit the absence of the cushy family life that was previously a big chapter in my book of images of the future.

Its weird the way your outlook on things can change in a short period of time. The way I saw things in December are most definitely not the way I see them now. I can actually feel this surreal transition into adulthood and let me tell you, it is not pretty. I'm beginning to realize my strengths and my weaknesses, and finding out that I have more of the latter than of the former has been pretty tough. At times I feel like I'm being cynical, but then I actually think about it and I realize that this is reality, this is life. This is the thing that everyone screws up at least a couple hundred times. Life isn't gonna be a bed of roses, heck it isn't even gonna be a bed of malli poos*! And exams aren't gonna be the worst things that we face! Its scary this realization. I've learnt a lot about myself in the past month, some stuff that makes me happy, and some stuff that makes me sad, wait, scratch that, a lot of stuff that makes me sad, but I've also learnt, that these are the things that make a person. Not necessarily a perfect person, but a person none the less. And this is the only person that we've got to work with, so we better make the best of it.

Life is funny. It makes you smile one day and it makes you cry the next. I guess that's the great thing. Not knowing the future is a perfect gift because it allows room for hope, and hope is something we all can do a little of.


*malli poo - tamil for jasmine flowers

Smile

I'm in a weirdly happy mood. The kind that makes you smile for the tiniest things. The same kind where you're thankful for all the simple things in life.

Like old family photos.

Deliciously delightful french songs.

The joy of being able to do nothing all day.

That five minutes you believe in love after you watch a perfect chick flick.

The absence of the cell phone ringing.

That feeling when you realize that you already have the song that you've been frantically searching for on the internet for the past three days.

Licking chocolate off of your fingers.

Singing along loudly to cheesy old songs.
(Let me emphasize on the 'loudly' on that last sentence!)

Being able to put these feeling down.
(Not well, but at least I'll know that there were days like these when I'm down in the dumps!)


Anyway, I guess its just one of those days, or nights rather, considering that fact that its happens to be almost 4 in the morning!

To all you guys and to all the little things that make you smile. I know you know what I'm talking about.

Happy Friday!

You "actually" blog??

Let me tell you, hiding under a shell for ten days does absolutely nothing for your conscience. Your guilty conscience that is. Especially for a person like me, who gets itchy if she doesn't post on her blog for more than 5 days. But as per usual, procrastination still rates high on my set of daily activities, so its no wonder that I procrastinated getting out from under that shell.

So, here I am, not afraid anymore. The slew of people asking me if I "ACTUALLY" blog, made me go under the blankets and hide my face for fear that if I said yes, they'd all run and go find my blog and consequently read whatever I had managed to keep a secret for two years! Yes, sometimes, I actually am that self obsessed; thinking that people don't have lives and that all they'd want to do was come dig around the internet and find my blog. But then, at times like these I gradually get over myself , and realize that the world in fact does NOT revolve around me!

Anonymity is awesome! Did you know that? Especially in circumstances like these. Its gives you the freedom to say whatever you want, knowing that no one is going to judge you. And even if they do, who gives a shit, its not like they know who you are anyway.

But when those safe walls of anonymity are broken down, its like, there you are, in all your raw, messy, undignified glory for all the world to see. And no, you are not that in real life (Ok, maybe sometimes), rather you try not to be, that's why you keep a place like THIS for all your outbursts, rantings and other shenanigans. Come on, a girl has to vent! But now, when this somewhat sacred place is invaded, where exactly are you supposed to go??

Anyway, I've decided that I can't be bothered anymore. If people I know find this space, let them! They can use the material on this page as fodder for gossip, they can form opinions, they can change opinions and they can judge all they want. I'm done hiding beneath that shell...and you know what..

It feels great to be back.

:)

life lessons

To go back a year later and peep into all the work you've done, is a tad depressing when you realize that it has all trickled down the drain leading to nowheresville.

Somewhere around this time, last year, I started my design blog, where I though it would be a brilliant idea to use my so called talent and dole out free custom templates to those in need of them, through the goodness of my heart.

Lets cut to the chase though. I cannot believe how FREAKING DELUSIONAL I was!!

When something is free, tons of people come running. I know I shouldn't be saying this though, because I was once known for walking around the supermarket trying to find items with the words 'FREE (something')' plastered on them, and then I would proceed to buy the said item just to obtain whatever I was getting free with it, and then I'd walk around the entire day, filled with glee because I had just gotten something FREE!!!

Requests came pouring in, and I tried to please. Requests for changes came, I gave up my last few minutes of internet time making them. Fonts that were disliked, I changed them. Colours that were a shade off, I changed those too and in the end, the people you help, end up screwing you over and start making money off of you. People get so demanding, that, after awhile you feel so bogged down and the trouble that you go through to do something for someone else just doesn't seem worth it anymore. Bloggers are a fussy bunch, we all know that, so I can't say I was too surprised that this happened. I was kinda expecting it at some point anyway, but I didn't think I'd crack this soon. I've actually been away from that space for quite awhile now, it depresses me to go back, because I always end up clicking on the links to find that my work has disappeared, not that I expected it to sit there for long, but not seeing it where it was just a couple of months back, hurts a little.

Just to make thing clear, I am not bitter. On the contrary, I cannot even begin to explain the amount of satisfaction it gives me when I looked at a finished project. I usually get up off of my chair, take a step back and survey my work and most often than not, feel this spurt of happiness inside that I know nothing else can ever trigger. I have to say that it was a amazing experience though.

I'm not planning to shut the blog down, that would break my heart, but I am planning on starting a new one where I'll be charging for services. Charging minimally, seeing how far a dollar goes in this country. I actually feel like a capitalistic pig for even thinking about this, but lets see how it goes for a couple of months. I actually didn't want too blog about any of this. Lately I seem to be rethinking everything I want to write about and finally end up not writing about it, but I started typing out this post, and now i fell like I have to publish it. I feel pretty horrible doing so, but this is my blog and this is what I'm feeling right now, so I'm gonna hit that publish button and hope to God that I don't get a ton of hate mail for this.

Post 5 - That twisted imperfect way..

You know there are times in your life when you just look around and realize how lucky you are. Like seriously, things may not be conventionally perfect , but they are perfect in that 'twisted imperfect' way they are....

....And then you remember that this isn't going to last forever, hell its not even going to last long enough for you to completely appreciate it. I've noticed that the whole point of life are those little bouts of happiness that we so ardently strive towards. When things are hard, you do whatever you can to make them all right, so ultimately you can be happy. I mean whatever you're in pursuit of…money, material gain, if you're looking for something emotionally, if you're looking to yourself for answers, looking for another person..whatever it is..happiness is the ultimate thing we're all looking for. And when what you're looking for happens...that tiny sense of satisfaction, that smile on someone's face, that tear of joy on someone's cheek, is obviously the root of that happiness that you experience. So as I was saying, we look for happiness and when we find it, we cannot hold onto it, however much we want to and however hard we try. Eventually something in our lives has to go wrong again and things are back to the sad, annoying, depressing way they were earlier and then before you know it, you're back to square one..trying to make everything all better again. But don't worry cause happiness is just round the corner, the only difference is..its either a long or a short street before that turn each time.

I'm the kind of person who for happiness in the future. Whenever I want to be happy..I try looking into the future and imagining things being the way I've always imagined them to be. But the truth is, I think of the future so much that sometimes I forget about the present. This reminds of some poem we learnt in school with the lamb or a bird or someone dying or something. Isn't it amazing how quickly we forget things?! I could have swore I knew that poem by heart and now I don't even remember its name!

I like nights like these, when I'm sitting and don't have to force the words to come out of the ends of my fingertips, listing to mellow music and trying to figure out what this mystery called life is about. I've been pretty unsuccessful in the past and I don't ever think I'll figure it out but it doesn't hurt to imagine that you know the whole purpose of existence. And not just mine, anyone's for that matter. Right now things in my life are perfect..the twisted imperfect I was talking about earlier. I'm at this point where I'm so happy with the way things are going, that I cant help but wonder what will be the thing will be that'll ruin it this time. I'll admit that I'm a pessimist but come on you've got to admit that happiness is never constant..it comes as and when it pleases to remind u of the point if life, to remind you not to give up, to fight for that next little nano second of happiness because, lets face it, it's the only thing that keep us going.

A year and 3 days old!

Only I would think that the 24th of September is actually the 23th of September and realize only on the 25th of September which happens to be two whole days ago!

I cant believe I missed my first blogiversary!! It serves me right though..I've been a bad bad lurker these past few weeks! A year in the blogosphere already! I'm gonna go the cliched way as say that it feels like just yesterday, because its true..it does feel like just yesterday. This also probably has to have been the most eventful year as well. So much has happened in the span of this one year that trying to encompass it all in one post would definitely not do it justice, so its definitely the lazy me who's talking when I say that I'm not even going to try!

Work has been all consuming of late and is truly terrible. College is seriously draining the shit outta me. Is it weird that I feel like an over worked sloth on a daily basis?! Yes, I'm sure that it is obvious that I'm beyond fed up, which is actually pretty ironic, because I haven't even grazed the upper layer of the obscene amount of work that lies in front of me. There are just too many distractions around. Not that I'm complaining or anything.

The blogability of the crap that is going on in my life is at an all time low, so for once, I have nothing to talk about. How exactly is this possible? A couple of weeks away from this space and even that single drop of writing ability that I had in my body seems to have completely evaporated!

Yes, I am aware that I am a whiner in addition to being a big time slacker!

Ugh, I just went back to my first post and I feel like such an idiot! Isn't it funny how we all started out in the blog world with no expectations,nothing in mind and suddenly a year later, we see ourselves looking back and realizing what a long way we've come and how many awesome
friends we've made on our way.

Friends whom we've never met, friends whom we've never spoken to, but friends whom we care so much about that our day is incomplete until we go see what they're up to. Its funny, though I've never met any of you guys I somehow feel that unique intangible bond that we share. The bond that makes it ok to know your secrets, and obviously that bond that makes it ok for me to tell you mine. The blogging community is truly one of a kind, and you have no idea how grateful I am to be a part of it. I don't know how many people I've recommending blogging to in this past year and to think just a year ago I had little or clue about what it was!

There's this song called ' A Lifetime' that I discovered last year just around this time, and every time I listen to that song it takes me back to those first few months when I started blogging and I have to say that it really is an awesome feeling, although the song is not even remotely connected to blogging, or writing or whatever...every time I listen to it..its like it transports me back to that time, probably because I was listening to it 24/7 for those first few months.

Click on the play button and listen to it..I promise you'll love it! You'll love it so much that you'll probably want to come all the way to Chennai and hug me because I just introduced you to the awesomeness that is 'Better Than Ezra'!

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Or watch it here!

Anyway..I think I have to go now and sit on my work like a chicken hoping that it'll magically hatch one day and out will come as A's on my report card.

Toodles!!

in a notebook with an orange marker

A week of college has flown past and I'm already living one of those ever dreaded Mondays again!

College last year was without exaggeration a living hell, but this year was supposed to be different...Well, I admit that I didn't exactly have visions of myself bounding around the place jobless, but I most definitely didn't expect to feel the way I do now either.

Right now I'm sitting in my class room from last year which has sadly been converted into a computer lab which is yet to be used. It feel weird scribbling down a post in my notebook with an orange marker which happens to be the only piece of writing equipment that I possess at the moment, sitting in a blue swivel chair still covered in its plastic. What feels weirder is that I'm doing this in my lunch hour. Shit, have I turned into one of those kids who spend their free hours sitting in a corner of the campus writing in their journals?! After a bit of thought..what surprises me is that I don't exactly mind being this person. In fact I kinda like the idea of being this pensive, brooding, intellectual type. I have no clue why though.

I've noticed that I like being asked questions and that I like knowing the answers to them. I feel like I'm aspiring to be a walking, talking encyclopedia. I know that that sounds a bit crazy..but the truth of the matter is that I like knowing what everyone else doesn't and most often than not, I do know answers to some of the vague-ass questions that I've been asked..like what the average price of floor tiles are..or where Falkland Islands (sometimes pronounced fu*kland by some people who have no clue about geography!) is...or what the difference between a martini and a margarita is..OK that question wasn't exactly vague but I was asked that in the 10th grade!
So you see..I kinda like being this know-it-all..and by 'all' I mean all the stuff that people don't usually know about. I'm sort of envisioning myself right now in this knower-of-all saadhu type costume and it is soo not a pretty sight!

My hour at the net café is almost up..which explains my absence at most of your blogs because what I really am is a poor student type who cannot really afford to sit for more than an hour typing away at one of these computers which are used by god knows who to do god knows what! (I think you'll all get what I'm talking about right?!)

blogger blues

God..its at the weirdest of times and and the weirdest of places where I wish I had a blogger compose page embedded in my brain and the ability for it to automatically type out what I'm thinking..because when I actually sit at the computer, whatever I want to say doesn't come out the way its supposed to..supposed to referring to what I had been originally thought of saying..and all this supposed 'thinking' had been going on at the aforementioned 'weirdest of times'..!

Ok..I swear I won't write sentences that are that long anymore..I ran out of breath just by reading it..in my mind!!

So easy to jump to another topic isn't it..anyway..let me jump right back..so..as I was saying..every time I think, I start to think in terms of the way I would write...which is incredibly strange because even when doing something as simple as forming an opinion for myself..I begin rephrasing it so that it fits into my writing (oh look at me with the 'my writing' and all! who am I kidding?! ) But seriously..instead of thinking "WOW, this cake is YUMM..!!"... I'm thinking "Whoa, I can totally see myself devouring this single piece of cake for the rest of my life, that's how scrumptious it is..!!!" ( with the excessive use of the exclamation marks, as always)
Ok..so I'm thinking in bigger sentences and more descriptive words..thats good,right..? But the thing is..I never get around to actually putting that stuff into my writing because as soon as I sit in front of the keyboard..it seems like every funny or witty or sensible bone in my body disappears and all that I am left with, is a jelly like mass of crappy words..like the one's you're reading right now!!

Its funny how something you would never have given a second thought to before consumes you with such an intensity ( I'm thinking in compose page language,for heavens sake) in a matter of a few months. Yeah..I'm talking about blogging. It has become such a huge part of me which is bizarre because no one in my life even knows about it...is it weird keeping something that you value so much a secret..? The thing I can't imagine letting my friends read it..because I'm sure that the first thing that they would do is let out a rather loud guffaw which would inevitably lead to uncontrollable laughter and would eventually end with a string of snorts! Yeah..so I guess I'm doing the right thing by not telling anybody, its just that its becoming a harder secret to keep nowadays...

I guess I have to leave you now cause my mother's going to have a damn fit if I don't get off the computer at this very instant!! But what I'm actually thinking is..."Ok..so..I gotta go!" (Do you see how this works?)

a story called love...

Chemistry's a subject we learn at school,
But life is the lab in which we put it to use..
The chemistry between a boy and a girl is never wrong,
If the girl loves the boy and the boy's love forever lives on..

But the truth is never revealed until the very end,
When the love dies and there's nothing left but lonely weekends..
Things just seem to have slipped out of reach..
When all along you thought that they were just peachy keen...

At last the realization finally dawns..
That the perfect story was written with a bunch of crayons..
The story was scrawled by a little girl..
Who knew not the truth about this big world..

Do any of us actually know the truth...
Or is it something that we cannot even begin to sleuth..
I think that love is something that cannot be found..
Its something that's way too compound..

Being lucky in love isn't necessarily the only thing..
Keeping things real and bickering..
Its all a part of a story called love..
A story which starts when you find the person who fits u like a glove..

This poem has nothing to do with my life at the moment..but is just a reflection of what I've been thinking about for the past few days...!!! They're pretty much 'random rhymes' just as the label proclaims that the are :)

Thursday Thirteen #4

"13 Things that I wonder constantly about...!!!!"

• Everyday on the entire way back from college(which takes all of 4 minutes)....i think about how fast the day went by..I mean before you even know it,its 'that time of the day' again(and by 'that time of the day' I mean the time it is when i usually think about this)
• If I'll have an accident on my bike..up until now I've never had an accident (touch wood) so every time I get on my bike I wonder if that ride will be 'the' ride..! (I'm weird...so sue me..!!)
• If I'll ever get skinny...you know when there's a point in your life where you'll be like..oh ya..I can definitely lose all the weight..well..I'm constantly wondering about when that time (the time where I'll lose all the excess pounds that depress me each and every single day) will come..!
• The next three years..and what my hell-hole of a college has in store for me...!!
• My blog...well,for obvious reasons..don't all of you'll constantly think of your blogs..??!!
• Whether I really am border line "loner" or not...this has been on my mind,especially for the past few days...(dont ask why..!)
• What's for dinner..??!! (duh... bet your always thinking about that too..! ;) )
• Time and money management (though i never get around to actually managing either of the two..!!)
• When the world will cease to exist and if i'll be able to lead a full life (with the twin boys and the fantastic job and the gorgeous drool-worthy husband [jus kidding bout that..he should also be smart and funny and cute and caring and a baby at heart...and the list goes on and on....] and basically the whole nine yards)
• How much longer I'll be able to survive the dreariness that is my life..!
• If I whine too much..which i probably do,but anyway..I like to think that i don't...
• If all the shit that I'm going through at college will pay off (pun intended) when its all over......
• About the phenomenon of changing topics...you know when u think of one thing and that thought automatically leads you to another which in turn leads to yet another random thought...ya so basically in the middle of doing that..i realize that I'm doing it and try to trace back to what was originally on my mind (which in some cases is really hard..since I'll usually be like 15 to 20 thoughts down the never ending train of my random thoughts..!) So as i was saying,when i finally realize what I'm doing..I most usually am in awe of what the human mind can do (or just my mind rather.. :p )
  

someday....

The day has come..
The night must fade..
And who's to say what will happen..
Between now and the night again..

Things are different..
We wish they were the same..
But somehow,somewhere,someplace...
Our dreams will come true..too bad we have to wait..

Bright and early mornings are a thing of the past..
The sun at noon is what we see at first glance
Is this right or is this wrong...
Lets wait and find out..before the end of this song...

Life's hard,you cant disagree..
Whats new to you..is probably old to me...
Yet we hear more than we want to know...
Let's just sit and listen to this cacophony with a glass of exquisite merlot...

Answers to questions we've had from time immortal..
Will they ever be answered..
Or are they just an inane fragment of our total unrelenting inquisitiveness...
Torn between the streets and luscious life..
The answers may come...or life may just pass us by....

Lives change,people change..
And sitting here alone isn't just our fate..
Waking up to bitter mornings is something that's not strange..
But hopefully we'll be able to figure out our way someday........

Please excuse my sad attempt at poetry...it was the result of total and complete boredom in the middle of an exam I had today..!! And bout the randomness....what can i say...I'm me and I don't think I'll ever change..!!

50

If I don't finish this post in the next half hour..it doesn't exactly matter..cause i started this on the 24th so it still makes it the 5oth post on the 24th..(my blog..! my rules..! right..??) . Its been six whole months in the blogosphere and what a ride its been..!! I started out quite clueless....going from a person who had absolutely no idea about anything blog related..to an aspiring (read-in words and in nowhere near in action) blog designer..! I made shams a header for her birthday...so if you want you can run on over to her blog and see it..its nothing great..but its still my first,hence the 'documentation'..!

50 posts and I'm still at that point in a post where i find it hard to think of something to say..is it me or just the weather..?! Anyhoo...I've decided that this is one post that I WILL indeed finish..and not leave to rot as a draft.

Was bloghopping the other day and came me across this post by The Compulsive Confessor which swept me with a sudden whoosh of nostalgia...The Sweet valley series..oh..how we all thrived on the lives and loves of the Wakefield twins. The sweet ,innocent,smart,goody two shoes Elizabeth and the beautiful,fun,feisty Jessica..the hours we spent scouring the library to find the all-important next book of the series or even to find a book that we had NOT read,the hours we spent discussing if what had happened at prom night would make a difference,the hours we spent arguing if Liz or Jess was better...fun times,those were...what a big part of our pre-teen lives they occupied ...sometimes..I still have the urge to pick up an old book and start reading it all over again. When I check out the kid's section at bookstores nowadays..I hardly find any of them lying about..its MK & A's and the Princess Diaries all the way now...Its sad sometimes to think back and remember all those years..years that went by so easily without a care..where sweet valley and its counterparts (not nancy drew and hardy boys,mind you..i hated those..!) were all we had to worry about..the biggest dilemma being.. "oh shit,'she' read that one before me" or "i told you to let me borrow that first"..!!! Ah well..C'est la vie...!!! Life changes..we grow older,we grow wiser(some of us atleast ;) ) and we move on..move on to bigger things and hopefully to better things.....

questions....

When I read other blogs.I get this strange feeling that I'm not writing what I'm supposed to be writing..I mean,am I doing my blog justice by just writing crap on it..??!! Am i writing crap..??! What is the exact definition of crap,crappy and utter crappiness..??? Is crappiness even a word....??! The questions (well actually just the first one..those others are just the insane aftermath of that question..! ) just keep swimming around my head and I'm yet to find a sensible answer..!! How is it that every other person who i know in the blog world..knows how to make even the simplest of words and feelings meaningful and makes them seem like those words were the result of hours of pondering,when in reality its just something they thought of and decided to write on a whim and most importantly how do they seem to make everything they say ,the polar opposite of crap (whatever that definition may be..!!)..why doesn't that ever happen to me..? Why,why,why..??!! Why am i the only one who gets stuck in this rut of crappiness..???!!!! Why am I stuck with words that just make sense but don't seem to have even the slightest fragment of poetic grace that all you others out seem to have in abundance, why am I the one stuck with paragraphs of random words that don't have even a smidgen of beauty that comes naturally to everyone else and why am I the only one who whose words don't kindle a sense of poignancy which is always the case,at least for me when i read other people's blogs.....and once again a series of questions rouse curiosity that most usually cant be satisfied...Am i supposed to be worrying about this blog thing..?? Am i supposed to care...?? Isn't this blog supposed to be for me...??!! Didn't I start it to just fulfill the my compulsive inquisitiveness to know what blogging was all about..??! Didn't I start it with randomness in mind..??! I know that all the answers to these questions are supposed to come from me..but the funny bit is,that i cant seem to find them..no matter how hard i look.........................

I blog.....because i want to!!

I am thinking about..
How much of work I'm lagging behind in..there's soo much to do..and i don't feel like doing any of it..!!!!!! (pretty normal for me..that's usually what I'm thinking about..!)

I said…
and still continue to say a lot of things that should not have been said....

I want to…
be the centre of someone's world... (stolen from 'the cousin's' blog..hope u never read this,but if you do,sorry D...but its the truth..!!)

I wish…
I could be there for people when they most need me.....

I hear…
only what I want to hear,unfortunately...

I wonder..
if whether the path that I'm taking will lead me to my destiny...(yes i believe in destiny,doesn't everybody..??!!!)

I Regret..
more than i should... :(

I am...
who i am...(cliched..i know..but its the truth..!!)

I dance..
very rarely!! Not a 'dancing' person at all..!!

I sing..
best when I'm in the bathroom...no, I'm not talking about the whole 'bathroom singer' thing..I just think that my voice sounds better when it echoes... :)

I cry..
for absolutely anything and everything...anytime and anywhere...

I am not always..
who people perceive me to be...I'm someone completely and totally different..
( If people who knew me knew that I write a blog , they would be very very surprised..! )

I write...
not because i think i can..but because i feel the need to document my feelings for the future.. (mainly for my grand kids to know how awesomely cool their grandma was ;) lol..why am I so freaking obsessed with this grand kid thing..??!!!)

I confuse...
very easily..!!!

I need..
to feel a sense of security in order to be happy...

And finally...
i think i need to get to bed..!!!For heaven's sake..I'm falling asleep in front of the computer..!!


P.S: This is a tag that i think i need to do periodically..say every six months or so..to truly evaluate and analyse what exactly I want and what exactly I'm gettin out of my life...

Today's verdict...not so good..better get a move on if I plan to becoming 'SOMEONE' in life..(which I do plan on becoming,by the way..!!! )

tell me you feel just like I do....

Someone out there's
Listening to the same song
Feeling the same way that I do
Make me a believer pick up the receiver
And tell me you feel just like I do

Seriously..how cool are those lyrics..??!!

And the best part of it is that im sure that the whole thing about there being someone out there feeling exactly the same way that u are is completely true...i mean hasn't there even been a time,when you were sittin and listening to a song and you ended up pondering and reflecting on some emotions which that particular song stirred up....and then suddenly it occured to you that maybe there was someone who was feeling the exact same way that u were feelin while listening to that exact same song....the world is so large that there could actually could more than one person feeling the same way...!! Wierd isn't it..??!!

a year of changes....

A year is over..a year of changes...changes,some of which have actually changed me and some of which have had absolutely no effect on me...its funny how a year flies past...in addition to being the year with the most changes,i also think that its been the most important year of my teenage life ( does 'teenage life' sound lame..?? m saying it in my head..n i sorta think it does) anyway...all in all its been an important year...lets go over a few things that made it 'that important' shall we..??!! (that's a rhetorical question by that way..its not like you have a choice..mwhahaha [that's my evil laugh people-in case you didn't get it])...i tend to loose track of what m saying,don't i..?? AAAnnnyway.....

January - I was 16..tensions were rising due to much dreaded 'public exams'..

February - I have absolutely no clue about what happened in Feb...no wonder i had to start a blog..its so easy for me to forget chunks of my life..and we cant have that happening now,can we..?? (no seriously,what the shit is wrong with me..why am i talking like an old aunty..??!!!)..oh ya..Feb was the month in which i was supposed to be studying..but unfortunately..that plan didn't work out..!

March - I turned 17 on the 5th...started my exams i think...they got over on the 23rd and then i spent the rest of the month lazing..in true lemonade fashion..!

April - April seems foggy..although i do remember that i went for my second entrance exam on the 22nd...oh my god..i cant believe that i cant remember anything else..!!!

May - Went on a holiday to Bangalore and shopped my heart out..!! And best of all became best friends with my best friend..!!(did you notice that i said the word 'best' thrice in that single sentence..! i think the time is getting to me..its exactly 4:35 in the morning..!)And most importantly got my marks...i came 4th in the class with 95.3%..yay..!!!...come on..dont give me that look..if i cant brag here where else can i brag..huh..?!

June - Went to Delhi..and shopped my heart out AGAIN..!!! (if you cant tell that i absolutely love to shop by now..then i guess your just dumb)Other than that..June was pretty much the usual..and by usual i mean that i was probably lazing around doing nothing..!

July - Moved in with my cousin..started college...broke up with 'the ex' for the first time..it was quite an eventful month i must say..!

August - Moved in with my aunt...got my bike..!!! :) and started living like 5 minutes away from college..I'd never ever experienced that kind of proximity in my life..so that was quite exciting..i mean the whole part where you can leave the house like 10 minutes before your supposed to be at a place..and you'll be there in half the time..of course..i as usual DID not take advantage of the situation and would be in college like an hour before i was actually supposed to..! God..i am such a loser..!

September - Started my blog..!!!! which was the highlight of my life that month...made the stupidest move by getting back with 'the ex'..was pretty stressed out at college...it was taking up my entire life..!!

October - Gave this blog its current look.Thought i was happy with my life..well i thought wrong..!!

November - Broke up with 'the ex' yet again...!! Going to college was like trying to swallow dung..!! (I'm sooo not kidding)

December - Holidays..!! yay..! Lazing..!! yay..! Sleeping till 2 in the afternoon..!! yay...in addition to all these highly exciting things that were going on in my life (m trying to be sarcastic if you hadn't noticed) i sang a solo in Church..which was pretty crappy...went carol singing...pigged out on Christmas..!! yay..! And my best friend turned into something more than just a best friend.....

Guess that's the entire round up for the year..its 5:09 in the morning and I'm positively dying to fall asleep..so I'm gonna go crash...hope this year goes better than last year did..which i actually think is quite impossible..since i made friends with some of the most awesomest ( is that a word..?!) people,started college,learnt alot of new things and basically had a blast..! Even though i bitched so much about the entire year...i really think that its been one of the best years of my life...and NO I'm no being melodramatic..!

the 'one'....

Do you believe that there's one person out there for you..just one person...the one person who is made for you...the one person who is destined to be yours and who is destined to have you as his for the rest of your lives..do u believe in this one person..???

Well..i believe in this one person..(even though a pretty big part of me is pessimism personified)

i believe that there is one person who you can spend all your life loving ...someone with who you can have a conversation with for hours and never seem to get bored of..a person who you can absolutely pour your heart out to without ever feeling the slightest bit awkward..someone who you find you can relate to in any situation ...someone who you could watch sleeping for hours on end thinking that that's the only face you need to look at for the rest of your life...someone with whom you know you could sing the craziest of songs and dance the craziest of dances with....the one and only person who you know will be by your side through every single step of the way..that one person is the person made for you..the person the universe intended for you to live your life with..your soulmate...............

As stupid as it may sound to some of you..i believe in soulmates...i think its better to wait for the 'one' rather than just be in a relationship for the sake of being in it...

And i also believe that when you meet the 'one'...you'll definitely know in your heart of hearts and he or she is the the 'one'...the 'one' made for you..the 'one' that your destined to be with and the 'one' who you will never let go of........

So until the day that i meet the 'one'...i'll hope that i will be lucky enough to find the 'one' as some people have.......

.....a cross in my pocket.....

I carry a cross in my pocket,
a simple reminder to me
of the fact that I am a Christian
no matter where I may be.

This little cross is not magic
nor is it a good luck charm.
It isn’t meant to protect me
from every physical harm.

It’s not for identification,
for all the world to see.
It’s simply an understanding
between my Savior and me.

When I put my hand in my pocket
to bring out a coin or key,
the Cross is there to remind me
of the price He paid for me.

It reminds me too, to be thankful,
for my blessings day by day,
and to strive to serve Him better
in all that I do and say.

It’s also a daily reminder
of the peace and comfort I share
with all who know my Master
and give themselves to His care.

So, I carry a cross in my pocket,
reminding no one but me,
that Jesus Christ is Lord of my life,
if only I’ll let Him be.



This has been my favorite set of lines for quite a few years now..ever since the first time i read them...

I think they say it all,dont you..??

something beautiful.......

You can't manufacture a miracle
The silence was pitiful-that day
And love is getting too cynical
Passion's just physical-these days
You analyse everyone you meet
But get no sign - loving kind
Every night you admit defeat
And cry yourself blind

If you can't wake up in the morning
'Cause your bed lies vacant at night
If you're lost, hurt, tired or lonely
Can't control it try as you might
May you find that love that won't leave you
May you find it by the end of the day
You WON'T be lost, hurt, tired or lonely
Something beautiful will come your way