July 6th, 2010

A date to remember, because according to some crappy quiz on facebook, I'm meant to meet my soulmate on that date.

Unbelieveble right?! I haven't written in almost three months and the only thing that's motivated me enough to post is some stupid result from some retarded quiz on facebook of all places! What can I say, the dreariness of my life is forcing me to be a pathetic dumb ass, but let's not go into that right now.

God! I just spent half an hour doing random love quizzes on facebook, without realizing that it was showing up on my profile page even after I kept choosing the dam 'Skip' button. Seriously, I need to get a life.

I've been in such a funk lately. A more comprehensive update will be up soon, that is, if I can get my fingers to type out more than the usual three random sentences that never seem to get published!

life lessons

To go back a year later and peep into all the work you've done, is a tad depressing when you realize that it has all trickled down the drain leading to nowheresville.

Somewhere around this time, last year, I started my design blog, where I though it would be a brilliant idea to use my so called talent and dole out free custom templates to those in need of them, through the goodness of my heart.

Lets cut to the chase though. I cannot believe how FREAKING DELUSIONAL I was!!

When something is free, tons of people come running. I know I shouldn't be saying this though, because I was once known for walking around the supermarket trying to find items with the words 'FREE (something')' plastered on them, and then I would proceed to buy the said item just to obtain whatever I was getting free with it, and then I'd walk around the entire day, filled with glee because I had just gotten something FREE!!!

Requests came pouring in, and I tried to please. Requests for changes came, I gave up my last few minutes of internet time making them. Fonts that were disliked, I changed them. Colours that were a shade off, I changed those too and in the end, the people you help, end up screwing you over and start making money off of you. People get so demanding, that, after awhile you feel so bogged down and the trouble that you go through to do something for someone else just doesn't seem worth it anymore. Bloggers are a fussy bunch, we all know that, so I can't say I was too surprised that this happened. I was kinda expecting it at some point anyway, but I didn't think I'd crack this soon. I've actually been away from that space for quite awhile now, it depresses me to go back, because I always end up clicking on the links to find that my work has disappeared, not that I expected it to sit there for long, but not seeing it where it was just a couple of months back, hurts a little.

Just to make thing clear, I am not bitter. On the contrary, I cannot even begin to explain the amount of satisfaction it gives me when I looked at a finished project. I usually get up off of my chair, take a step back and survey my work and most often than not, feel this spurt of happiness inside that I know nothing else can ever trigger. I have to say that it was a amazing experience though.

I'm not planning to shut the blog down, that would break my heart, but I am planning on starting a new one where I'll be charging for services. Charging minimally, seeing how far a dollar goes in this country. I actually feel like a capitalistic pig for even thinking about this, but lets see how it goes for a couple of months. I actually didn't want too blog about any of this. Lately I seem to be rethinking everything I want to write about and finally end up not writing about it, but I started typing out this post, and now i fell like I have to publish it. I feel pretty horrible doing so, but this is my blog and this is what I'm feeling right now, so I'm gonna hit that publish button and hope to God that I don't get a ton of hate mail for this.

middle of where?

Sitting in a random internet centre, at an age old computer with sweat pouring down my back, in an awfully humid town in the middle of nowhere is not a fun way to write a post. I agree that if its a town, then its probably not in the middle of nowhere, but I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.

Got here yesterday morning, and have been on my toes ever since. Literally. (My calf muscles are actually paining). I'm on a two week intership in the above mentioned 'middle-of-nowhere' town and so far its been a dusty dreary journey. Two days doesn't exactly count as a jorney but this happens top be my blog and I happen to like being a drama queen. So to illustrate the above piont...its been TWO WHOLE HORRIBLE DAYS IN A DUSTY AND DREARY "MIDDLE-OF-NOWHERE' TOWN!

I've been trying to catch up with the rest of the world for the past fifty five minutes and I'm afraid one hour at the net centre is all my lowly student allowanance will allow. So I'll have to leave you at this and come back and finish this story sometime later. Sometime later means sometime when i'm not on my toes, which is actually quite ironic because this happens to be quite a 'dead-ish' town. Speaking of it being a 'dead-ish' town, did I also mention that it is in the middle of nowhere?

Day 2 - I am the strongest!! (not my daddy)

Today I did something important, I was something I haven't been in a while.

I was strong.
No, not 'strong' strong, the other strong. Mentally strong.

As a kid there were points in my life where I had to be strong and I was, but in the recent past I've noticed that I just refuse to hold up and whine instead which is weird because aren't you supposed to get stronger as you grow old and not turn the exact opposite?!

But guess what happened today, I turned the tables all by myself! Me and another friend of mine were paired up in college for this assignment. A pretty huge one, which included a gazillion hours of work. Anyway we started it off the other day and pulled it open again today to continue it. But when we did, we realized that it was completely ruined. (I'm not giving away what the work was in order to maintain at least some of my dwindling anonymity on this blog) When we did open it up today , we found that it was totally and completely destroyed. My partner for this assignment is incredibly whiny, sometimes worse than me, which is definitely a bad place to be in, because if there ever was an award for "The Most Exasperating and not to mention Annoying Whiner", there pretty much would be nothing between me and that honor! Anyway, we saw the damage that had been done, so we set about trying to make it right. A few wasted hours later we realized what we were doing was in complete vain..I was ready to cry by then. I was on the brink of tearing up with my partner for the assignment started losing it. What I normally would have done is started crying and then both of us would have just sat there crying our hearts out, at the loss of a few days work. But what I did instead was stop those tears from falling and shout out at my partner to stop whining. (Yes I advocate tough love, it always works!) and amazingly she stopped whining, which I was really thankful for, because if she had continued, I'm pretty sure I'd have completely lost it and ended up flunking and having to repeat the entire year again!!

I know that this isn't exactly a big deal, but it made me feel so good, that I just had to put it up here. That and the fact that its only the second day and I'm already running out of stuff to talk about!!

4:58 am

It never ceases to amaze me how awesome I am at putting off work! Seriously!

I've been at the computer for 12 hours straight and I've only manged to complete a minuscule of the overflowing mounds of work that just seem to never want to get off my back!
Anyone looking to be hired, to complete the work of the one and only princess of procrastination?

Life is so incredibly dull at the moment, that finding something to blog about is becoming increasingly difficult. Can life actually be this boring?!

On second though, this lull has in fact lead me to think of some stuff that I usually don't give a second thought to.

• Rant Alert people!!! I've noticed that whatever the situation might be, I usually have about a hundred things to say about it. Unfortunately for me..I rarely find myself saying any of these things let alone saying them all. This sudden tongue tidedness (yup..I know that that isn't a word!) isn't exactly convenient especially at times when I have to defend myself which turns out to be most of the time because almost everyone I know, looks to attack me! And when I end up not saying anything, people being the insufferable way they are end up acting all presumptuous about the way I'm felling which coincidentally turns out to be the complete opposite of how I really feel, and because of my neurotic habit of bottling stuff up, I end up not telling people how I feel which later has its own set of atrocious consequences. And do I learn from these mistakes.? NO...because evidently my brain is programmed to register these things and make changes only when I reach the ripe old age of 80 and when I'm sitting around screaming at my dozen cats! I don't actually think that its my fault anyway..I mean why exactly do I have to publicizes every little detail that makes its way through my weirdly shaped head.
  

• I've never been the one to actually 'get' jokes. I'm usually the person in the room who finds herself guffawing a full five minutes after a joke is cracked. So basically I've never been the one with the gifted humor or rather the one who never even understood the gifted humor. But of late..I've been cracking everyone up with some vague ass stories of school and the like..and I mean like seriously cracking them up. Up until the point where most of them are rolling on the floor holding their tummies begging me not to go on! The other day I was officially named the class entertainer..not the class clown ,mind you..the class entertainer. A friend and me actually shared that post when we were in school...whenever we were jobless in class and when the teachers were out of sight, we'd go up the podium of the class and perform 'My heart will go on' in Tamil albeit the fact that we both couldn't speak Tamil to save our lives!

• Is it weird that I wish I were the dog every morning?! Right after I come out of the shower..I see the dog snuggling in the corner dozing! I mean seriously!!!
  Does it have to pick that particular moment of the day to snooze..that particular moment when all that's stopping me from throwing myself back onto the bed again is the knowledge that if I miss another minute of class, I'll be stuck as a sophomore for the next five years!

I've also realized that mulling over and analyzing things does not work for me! I've been told a hundred times before that its okay to let out feelings but the sad part is..whenever I think of emotions as 'feelings'..all I am is blank. This blank space sometimes makes me feel quite soulless. Is it just me or do you go through this too?

Maybe my parents are rightl..maybe the aliens did drop me off into a dumpster after all!

does everything have to have a title?!

Apparently the universe does not want me to post. I've been wanting to put up a post since like forever, but unfortunately some unknown force seemed to be stopping my daily attempts to do so. So here I am finally, 6 days later! The universe probably got fed up of trying to keep me away..I can be very pushy, you know?

On Monday night, I discovered that I was just another profanity uttering child of a truck driver. Yes, for the first time I called a fellow driver 'f*&^ker', out loud! Can you believe it?? Me! The little ball of innocence! Ok, I don't think that came out the way it was supposed to. Sorry, that was yet another one of my sad attempts at trying to be humorous. Maybe I just shouldn't try anymore. Don't you think?

Anyway..as I was saying..I'm in the middle of a junction when the green light comes on, so as any sensible rider would do..I accelerate..when out of nowhere..this moron whose red light has been on for more than six seconds, decides that he just HAS to cross the blessed signal because his dying daughter will breathe her last breath if he doesn't! To cut a long story short I almost hit him, but being the awesome rider that I am I managed to not only NOT hit him, but also scream out the aforementioned swear word! But that's not all...I also found a stray 'as%$*ole' escape my big fat mouth!!

I know that I'm acting like it was a big deal, but it really was. Just for the record, I'm NOT one of those people who never get into fights..if there's a fight to be fought, I'm your woman. I can be the loudest, most obnoxious person you will ever meet and if I snap at you, chances are that you'll probably never want to talk to me ever again, but I'm not one to just throw 'language' around for no reason. Even if I have to..I usually make sure that I do it under my breath..so Monday's incident was a huge shocker even to me!

On another note..college is becoming increasingly redundant. But thankfully the days seem to fly past, so that's a tiny consolation. No wonder I took 6..almost 7 days to post!

I finally have 12 whole months in my archives. I've never been committed to anything for this long before, so this really is a huge achievement for me. Let's pop open a bottle of bubbly and start the celebration while completely overlooking the fact that I'm still under the legal age to drink.

whatever

Emotionally hollow..??! Emotionally hollow..?!?!!??!?!?!??!?!?!!? Seriously...???!!!!

Being called that by two people in a single month does not bode well with me! Ok, so I'm known to maybe hold back my feelings..and by hold back I mean not exactly feel them if I don't want to, which is usually the case..but personally I think being called "emotionally hollow" is a tad too harsh! Yeah ok..I admit I'm a personal person and that I like my space and blah, blah, blah...but that does not mean that I shut off my emotions and that I dont let people into my life!! So if i'm supposed to be so god damn emotionally hollow, why the hell do I feel tears welling up right now, huh..?!

Right when I think life's being good to me..it ends up sneaking up behind me and biting me in the ass! If you're wondering how my 'emotionally hollow' self feels right about this minute...awesome would be the answer!!

Aaarggh..!!!!

Is it abnormal to want to be alone..??!! I mean come on..all I'm asking for is just a little peace and quiet..is it wrong to NOT want to go out and have fun every single day..is it utterly and completely preposterous that a teenage girl enjoys sitting at home,doing her own thing...is it antisocial..is it weird..is it too strange or too odd or too peculiar...doesn't anybody understand that sometimes a girl just needs some time for herself and not have it interpreted as her being indifferent and selfish..??!!

Am i pissed..?? You guessed right..!!

PS: And for those of you who think that I am all the above adjectives..hold the comments,please.

Terrified of failure...

It seems like the rhymes seem to come..
Only when I'm sitting blank and numb..
The pages in front of me have nothing on them..
Is this just the beginning or is this the very end.

Had an exam yesterday...and I have to say that it was by far the worst exam that I have ever written in my life..not kidding..!! I'm sure that we've all done badly at some point...but I don't think I've ever done this badly...I was staring at the questions..and I knew that I had learned them..but I couldn't remember a SINGLE word..! This has never ever happened to me before so it was quite a shock..but I guess that I have only myself to blame because I starting studying only at around 3 in the morning...which I've never done before,so no wonder I did so badly..!!Damn you, INTERNET...!! Its all your fault..!
The poem..or rather the four lines that you see on the top of the page were written during the horrifying exam..during which all I could think about was that this would probably be a good topic for my blog..!!

p.s: Please pray that I don't flunk :(

And now to cheer me up (and you,obviously!!)...I was walking near Spencers the other day and I saw this Amul hoarding which totally made my day..!! :) I couldn't stop smiling for like 20 minutes after saw it..!! So I leave you with...the all new....AMULICKIN IDOL...!!!!!

its time for a new me....*sad face*

I'm pretty pissed right now...a tad too many people know about this blog and that kinda scares me..too many people in my family that is...so I think its time for a change.(and we all know how much I love change now,don't we..???!!!) I cant leave this the way it is..I started this blog as a place to vent..and if not to vent...a secret place where i could put everything that i didn't want to tell anyone else..my hopes,my dreams,my fears,my deepest darkest feelings...(ok ok..lets not get ahead of ourselves...lol...none of my secrets are either deep or dark so I actually dont have anything to worry about..but still i cant help but feel very very irritated and not to mention that feeling you feel when your privacy is invaded..sorry cant think up of any better words to describe my emotions right now...I'm too pissed off,remember..??) Anyway...I'm turning 18 on Monday and i guess its a good time for a change...but the thing is..i just started getting into the feel of this template..and i worked sooo hard on it...*whining* and i don't have the heart to let go of it..but well..what has to be done,has to be done i guess..anyway...starting next week (hopefully..if i stop being lazy that is) my blog will have a whole new look..new name..new everything..Im wondering if i should change my name too..I guess my effort to be completely and totally anonymous was in vain...hopefully my next attempt at anonymity runs its course of at least 10 years (ya right,like that going to happen..??!!) Anyway..cant hurt to try,can it....

Any suggestions for the new 'me'...???

another day.....

Feels like jus yesterday,you were a part of me
I used to stand so tall,i used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight,everything felt so right
Unbreakable,like nothing could go wrong............

God...these words describe exactly how i feel...i couldn't find anything as apt as this.Why did i do wat i did...i know that ur not supposed to regret the decisions that u make,but somehow..i cant help it...i mean i dont totally regret it..its jus that sometimes i wonder how things woulb be if i hadn't opened my big fat mouth..!! Whats done is done i guess...have to live with it my whole life...jus hope i didnt make a mistake....

god..! its so frustrating..!!!.................

INTERNET companies really get on my nerves...!! i mean come on...they actually expect you to sit pretty until they come and do their job which conviniently takes more than a few hours than its supposed to..!! anyway..m glad they finally got it done. Been thinking about my life today...and i mean really thinking...i've got so many decisions to make...n its so hard...worse than hard,its confusing..!! Waiting for a moment of clarity in ur life is one of the toughest things to do..i mean..m trying to see the situation that m in ,in all the possible angles that exist..but i jus cant seem to find an answer....guess i'll jus have to do a lil more...wait..scrap that..a lot more soul searching to figure out exactly what m going to do...i know i've already hurt someone because of what i did..but i couldn't help it at that time..i really did not see the purpose of continuing something that had nothing left in it(at that time)....but now m wondering if i made a mistake....